An Impossible Dream

At one point, before all my current fights with Satan and Satanic people, pretending to be Christians, I was working at a ranch, in the lumber yard, up in northeast Washington. It was my first night in my cabin. Real long steps, made from tree halves...they looked like trees cut into parts, and I think there was still bark on them.

So, first night, and I'm tired. I'm up to, and was getting ready to go downstairs. But I wasn't sure where the switch was, and I reached for the railing on the side opposite the wall...no railing, and I tumbled down all those steps (sort of why I don't find fallings and such to be funny), and was on my back.

IDK how long it was, but for easily 10 minutes, maybe longer (well, I's early 30s, so maybe more durable than mid 40s), and the only thing going through my mind and body was pain. Pain. PAIN! Each and every second, for however many minutes I lay there (I don't think it was an hour, but had no way to tell, and don't remember, years later).

When the pain thoughts cleared (maybe I'd gotten numb, maybe shock, IDK), my thoughts started wondering...there's...no one here. I was on one of the further cabins, so I guess no one heard. I'm...all alone. Is it good, or bad, that I can't feel anything? Did I break something vital? If I go to sleep, will I wake up? If I don't, how long will it be, before I'm found. If I do wake up, will I be able to move? If I can't, how long will it be, before someone comes to see what's up? The few people I have any sort of remotely regular contact with, aren't even in this state. This. Is. Terrifying...

Obviously, I lived to write the tale. Probably my greatest fear, of being alone, especially when I think "that's it." I've relayed that to very few people. I don't even think I relayed it to the very few people I sorta keep in contact with. I do know I shared it with my ex. My greatest fear, and dream of having some sort of family, to be there in my times of need, and to be there, for them.

I did all of that for my ex's family...and more often than not, I didn't feel like family, but "the husband of..." From letting her sibs visit when their spouses or other family were too much for them (multiple times!), driving them to doctors appointments (an hour from where we were to them, an hour to the doc, and the same time going back), too many court battles to count...and often missing interviews, or canceling contract work opportunities...and for what? To have all those betrayers know of ongoing child abuse, yet side with the abusers, to have my boys stolen from me? I've called many of them out, and it's funny that when I do, they stop talking to me.

I'd been mostly solo for decades before them. IDK if I can, or want, to try again. So, it seems the dream of having a family that'll fight for me, as hard as I've fought for others, is impossible...